Final part of a 4 part in a short series reflecting on Polysecure by Jessica Fern

After sitting with this book for a while, I’ve realised that I wasn’t really reading it as a guide to polyamory.

I was using it as a lens to re-examine my relationships – past and present.

There were moments that resonated strongly, and others that raised more questions than they answered. But in working through them, something shifted.

I began by trying to understand attachment theory.

I ended up questioning whether I even trust the frameworks I’m using to understand myself – especially where neurodivergence overlaps with ideas of “security” and “insecurity”.

I started to notice the role of the nervous system.

What it feels like to be calm with someone. To feel safe. And how unfamiliar that sometimes is.

I found myself reinterpreting my marriage – not just as monogamous, but as emotionally closed. Possibly codependent. Possibly something else entirely.

And I’ve started to see my current relationships differently too.

Not in terms of labels – primary, secondary, poly or not – but in terms of how they feel. Whether there is openness. Whether there is safety. Whether there is space for me to exist as I am.

The book also touches on the idea of having a secure attachment to oneself.

There’s a common phrase: that you can’t love others until you love yourself. I don’t think that’s quite true. I think you can love others without self-love – but it’s more likely to become entangled, or dependent.

What feels more accurate is this:

It’s much harder to form secure, stable attachments with others if your relationship with yourself is unstable.

And that extends beyond attachment theory.

It touches gender. Sexuality. Identity.

If parts of ourselves are hidden, suppressed, or rejected… then any connection we build with others rests on unstable ground.

So perhaps this is what I’m left with.

Not answers.

But better questions.

What does safety actually feel like?
What am I still misreading about myself?
And what would it mean to build relationships – with others, and with myself – that don’t require me to disappear in order to belong?

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Other posts in this series:

• Polysecure 1: Attachment vs Neurodivergence – Am I Misreading Myself?
• Polysecure 2: What Does It Feel Like to Be Safe With Someone?
• Polysecure 3: Was My Marriage Codependent, or Just Closed?